Drivl's Guide to Recognizing Bitches
READ THE ARTICLE AT DRIVL.COM
Without further ado, I present Drivl's handy guide to singling out the bee-yotch from the herd. Read it, study it, and embrace it, because the last thing you want is to be caught off-guard by a stampeding bitch.
Mother Duffer
The Low-Down:
The new girl you've been hanging out with wants you to meet her oldest, dearest friend. You're game, only to find yourself face to face with her DUFF (Designated, Ugly Fat Friend). She's Mother Superior: bossy, never gets laid, built like a truck, and possessing a disproportionate amount of body hair. While your gal pal might be loads of fun to hang out with, the Duffer will try and eat you whole, or possibly mount you in order to display her dominance. Expect numerous attempts to show you up whenever possible, and rehashing of old stories that no one cares about to make you feel left out.
How to Deal:
God has punished her enough – that's why he made her fat and ugly. But that doesn't mean you should take her bullshit. Odds are, your friend is very aware of how bad the Duffer can be – she just brought you into the picture so she won't have to deal with her on her own (also, the risk of being eaten whole by the Duffer decreases if you're there). So take this opportunity to be an awesome friend. When the Duffer puts her down, take her side. When the Duffer gets hungry and starts eying your friend, come to the rescue with a box of Twinkies. Flaunt the fact that you can walk without having your thighs touch.
Strengths: brute force; thighs the size of tree trunks
Weaknesses: limited mobility; twinkies
The Skank
The Low-Down:
Not to be confused with the Mother Duffer, the Skank is a slightly different, less-hairy animal. Likely an old friend of a friend, she won't try to dominate you like the Duffer, but will instead pout, make catty comments, and roll her eyes so often you'll swear she's trying to see her own eyebrows. Though not as huge as the Duffer, she's got some debilitating feature (unibrow, club foot, moustache, the shriveled body of her unborn twin sister protruding from her sternum) that is the root of her insecurity. Be sure to exploit this if possible. Karaoke bars are her breeding ground, and she's even more hostile when she's in heat (usually after she's seen a Colin Farrell movie and eaten a whole plate of TGI Friday's frozen potato skins). Add a couple of shots of Jager, and she'll be so easy they'll name a contraceptive after her. (May we suggest "WhOrethoTriCyclen"?) For additional information see Reid, Tara.
How to Deal:
Again, your gal pal knows how awful her friend is, but pity and nostalgia mean the two are tighter than the Skank's size medium (yeah, right) Victoria's Secret thong. Be sure to engage her in lively conversation ("What sorority are you in?") and buy her lots of shots. After all, the best way to deal with her is to kill her with kindness. And by "kindness," we mean alcohol poisoning. If all else fails, kick her in the club foot.
Strengths: incredibly high alcohol tolerance; spits venom
Weaknesses: club foot (or other debilitating feature); frozen potato skins
The Worldly Roommate I know this is a bit American this one but we all know the British equivalent from uni or work etc !
The Low-Down:
You're stuck living with someone who speaks with a slight British accent, even though she was born in North Dakota. Obsessed with her 11th grade trip to Europe, the Worldly Roommate thinks she's cultured because she occasionally rents a crappy Hungarian movie that no ones ever heard of and describes Daniel Craig as "dashing." She'll spend tons of money on obscure Radiohead imports and nasty-ass British candy but will hardly be able to make rent. Expect lots of sighing and occasional tears as she watches BBC News, and whispers of "that's so true" during The Daily Show.
How to Deal:
This is the perfect opportunity to exercise your "Making Shit Up" muscles in order to out-culture her. Observe your family's central European tradition of keeping cheese in (her) sock drawer, discuss obscure UK bands that don't actually exist ("Weasels Asphyxiate Underwater rules!"), and invite Lubka, the Polish exchange student, over to make fun of her. If she complains, tell her she's culturally insensitive and report her to Housing Authority for being a Nazi.
Strengths: NetFlix; extensive knowledge of Thom York trivia
Weaknesses: born in a red state; pronounces "aluminum," "vitamin," and "privacy" with a stupid British accent; cannot resist zipping around really fast to the Benny Hill theme music
Your Guy Friend's Really Annoying New Girlfriend (ANG)
The Low-Down:
You really, really want to like your guy friend's Annoying New Girlfriend (ANG). But you're only human. And God is she annoying. She has a mundane job at the mall, but has ambitious delusions of being an actress/musician/artist/model, which she will tell you about constantly. It's a miracle she hasn't been discovered yet, given all her self-professed abilities, but perhaps that's because talent agents don't frequent the Gap. She knows everything about everything (whether it be ancient Chinese martial arts, what the framers of the constitution intended, or how to correctly pronounce your last name). The only thing she doesn't seem to understand is how to carry on a two-way conversation and how to shut the hell up. Expect her to be very territorial, monopolizing his time and his lap, and replacing all his MySpace photos with pictures of her in various stages of undress.
How to Deal:
Before you drag her into the street by her faux-Louis Vuitton handbag, remember: the ANG makes your guy friend happy. Or at least, she's having sex with him, which is better than nothing. And hopefully, hopefully, he'll come around and dump her on her Seven Jeans-clad ass. But in the meantime, you'll have to play nice. Pretend to be moderately amused at what the ANG has to say, and maintain consciousness while she's talking by pressing sharp objects into your palm. Remember to ask your guy friend about his life. And don't be alarmed if he's unable to answer right away: it's been 6 weeks since he's been able to get a word in edgewise. When you've finally had enough, start talking to your guy friend about old acquaintances or politics. The ANG will get so bored she'll claim she has to get to a rehearsal/photo shoot/friend's gallery opening and bail.
Strengths: overdeveloped sense of worth; Banana Republic employee discount Weaknesses: politics; the feelings of others
The Bitch at Work
The Low-Down:
She might be a supervisor with an OCD tick and a micro-management style that ensures she'll be telling you everything from how to take your coffee to how to wipe your ass. Or she's an incompetent co-worker who covers the fact that she doesn't know Excel by using unnecessarily wordy phrases to sound smarter ("I think the best way to get the message out would be an electronic communication." You mean an email?). Both B@Ws will attempt to hide how drastically under-qualified they are by trying to exert dominance over you, outdoing you, blathering on about crap that they have zero clue about, and when applicable, wearing tight ass clothes and dropping things.
How to Deal:
Workplaces are the perfect battleground for passive-aggressives. Redo a filing structure, but don't bother explaining it to the B@W. Then act like she's insane when she asks you if you changed it. Forget to invite her to meetings, but be sure to discuss the details of it with other co-workers just within earshot. Offer to get her coffee, then spit in it. Create documents and spreadsheets in programs that she doesn't understand, and give them titles that don't relate in any way to the given document (the budgeting predictions spreadsheet for 2007 is now called"Circuit Beaver Version 4") . Then rename them to something logical, but don't tell her (when she asks where "Circuit Beaver Version 4" went, stare at her blankly, then tell her it's actually called "2007 Budget"). Make up words, facts, and applications ("The Verner Contract prevents us from using anything but the Bukaki filter on our outgoing mail"), and see if she'll reuse them. When she does, ask her what the hell she's talking about. Ask a ton of follow up questions when it's obvious she has no idea what she's talking about. Smile often.
Strengths: 4 months mid-level micro-management experience; can turn a 2-sentence email into 4 paragraphs
Weaknesses: Microsoft Office; can't transfer incoming calls
The "Holy Shit She Crazy" Girl
The Low-Down:
Perhaps the most dangerous of all, the "Holy Shit She Crazy" Girl makes no attempt to hide how damn crazy she is. Tolerated because she's loosely relatedly to someone (she's the bartender's second-cousin?), the HSSC Girl will tell you about her bout(s) with gonorrhea, the numerous times she overdosed, and her theories on how the Jews control everything within the first five minutes of meeting you. Always ready for a catfight, she can often be found sharpening her talons and scowling.
How to Deal:
Do not, under any circumstances, try to debate or contradict the HSSC girl in any way. You do not want to curry the wrath of her bat-shit craziness. Instead, smile and nod as she tells you what a whore her grandmother is and how she deserves to be in that home, because once you're on her good side, she can be a valuable weapon. Just tell her the Duffer and/or Skank at the bar called her fat. Then watch HSSC Girl attack in a crazy-ass tornado of Forever 21 accessories, body jewelry, and flat-ironed hair.
Strengths: sharp nails; can go from almost normal to bat-shit crazy is 0.5 seconds
Weaknesses: Jews; frequent gonorrhea
